After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
You Might Also Like
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
Why is the recorder so ubiquitous in school music class?? If any kid was ever actually good at playing the recorder, we would all know of at least one adult who eventually went pro
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
Who.
Did.
This?
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!
In the grass..
So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!
[all the children]
Grass??
Yessssss.
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
Sing it!
Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
prepare for carbonated trouble
Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?Heifer *chewing cud*
NoTeacher: Swallow it again then.
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!
Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.