I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
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Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.
what my late-night hot pocket sees
Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
Me *tries to open website*
Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot
Me: How
Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life
Me: can’t I just click on a box
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.
My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.
Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”
Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family
Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.
Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.
A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”
14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.
I cannot call her anything else now
Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick