“Failure is how you grow.”
– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote
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I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.
[hours after first date]
HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.
*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking
Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]
When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people
Doctor: Describe your usual day
Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat
Doctor: Okay I see the problem
Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller
detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today
Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
[first date]
Her: Are you wearing a wire?
Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*
things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
[High School Reunion]
Him: I started my own Law Firm last year
Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story
[police station]
Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.
Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes