I’m not alone. I have ants.
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Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my shirt and points to my belly] This one is of Alcatraz.
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.
[watching #diving]
ME: Huge splash! Nice!
ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.
ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.
I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of
[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*
Grandpa: Music today is terrible
Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*
Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*
Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
shut up and take my money
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle