When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
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For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
My 3-year old daughter said “Daddy I love you” and when I was responding “thanks I love you too” she interrupted me to be like “also I love EVERYTHING.” I’m on the same level as an air fryer
Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots
Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary
What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.
bolsonaro eating kfc for the first time then immediately being rushed to the hospital is more evidence for my theory that the american gut biome is uniquely strong and the primary tool we have to maintain our dominance as a world superpower into the 21st century
ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE
My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
Netflix and scream at our children?!
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share
If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.