when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
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told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco
New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
*rip*
stupid
*rip*
automatic
*rip*
STOP
*rip*
GIVING
*rip*
ME
*rip*
PAPER
*rip*
TOWELS
*rip*
Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY
Me: You *just* ate
Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.Help.
In light of all the stressful things around us right now, let’s take a moment to appreciate the cheapest luxury in the world. You don’t HAVE to get all dressed up to share a platter containing 12 pieces of toast with someone special…but don’t you think you should?
Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.