Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
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It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!
Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!
luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what’s up-
Wife: -NOOOO!
If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.
strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car
To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere
Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”
I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
I miss getting my misinformation from less places
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?
Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.
Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!
My dad:
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer
After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.
I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..