yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
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We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
[in doomsday bunker]
wife: we’re out of food
me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive
chicken: yes but who?
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.
Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.
a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.
My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter
“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
Me: I’m going to the grocery store…any suggestions?
9yo: [doesn’t look up from kindle]
7yo: I don’t care
Husband: Just get whatever[3 hrs later]
9yo: Aww, I like the other kind of rice.
7yo: Hey, why didn’t you get waffles?
Husband: *bewildered* You didn’t get granola bars?
A gym so fancy they call it a James.
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.
Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-
Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.
My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
Start the year as you intend to continue.
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.