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Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.
I’m giving up for Lent.
old people like to golf every day because they are so sick of everyone’s shit and just wanna repeatedly whack something
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead
[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good
Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”
The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose
Me: I pick u…
Partner: I knew you lov…
Me: …nited airlines
[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…
Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!
Boss:
Me:
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so
Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”
genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
*gets up from couch after laying on it with eyes closed for 30 minutes*
Me: I’m going to take a nap.
Husband: Wasn’t that just what you were doing?
Me: That was a pre-nap. Time for the real thing.
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
[Thanksgiving Dinner]
“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”
“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.