Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
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When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
[at dog park]
ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.
THEM: is, is that a crab?
ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.
My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.
new year update: losing everything but weight
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not
EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.
[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.