Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’
Neo-natal nurse: awww
Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?
Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not
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hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying
Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.
*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though
Check your privilege
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
Doctor: well, we lost him
Widow: *sobbing*
Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there
My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.
I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab
If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.
McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.
I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??
Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!