I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
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Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
All is fair in drunk and war.
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
I’ve been turning my clocks back a minute per day for the last 59 days so this shit is going to be smooth sailing for me, suckers.
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.
Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.
Birds are weird. Could you imagine if we all woke up at 5 a.m. and just started hollering at each other across the whole neighborhood?
Good thing we got these tiny handheld computers to do our yelling for us, or else we’d look like IDIOTS.
Her: what’s your favorite position
Me: devil’s advocate
Her: i meant sexual position
Me: but what if you didn’t
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.