therapist: what do you see?
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see, and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
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You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.
Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help
Him: My friend got me a Fitbit
Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though
Him: You can buy them online
Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
I can’t stop watching this.
airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover