*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
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look at me when i’m typing to you
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris
*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for
Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking
Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.
[running into my ex]
Ex: omg it’s you
Me: yeah
Ex: we should exchange numbers
Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea
Ex: you backed into my car though
Me: look we’ve both moved on
A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
[Chopped episode]
“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”
Me *opening Oreos*
“Clock hasn’t started.”
Me: There’s cookies.
“Those are for your dish.”
Me *munching*
There’s cookies.
X-tra spooky blend
When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.
no
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.