MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bedMY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport
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Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.
I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.
I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo
[buying treadmill]
Me: Can I try it out first?
Salesperson: Sure
Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??
COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist
ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead
PICASSO: I got this
My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.
Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*