Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
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One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled “I’m going to bake your feet into pies and then you won’t be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.
If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”
[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath
beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever
I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.
I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.
Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.