I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.
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Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid
what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???
Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.
bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?
me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting
Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….
Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
Her: Tell me what you want
Me: A burrito
Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed
Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito
[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo