men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
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Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone
There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.
If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]
growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…
Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?
Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.