[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
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If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.
Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
I love hard, but I stupid harder.
an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.