Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves
Yoga instructor: True
Nutritionist: So wise
Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan
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Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.
villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
Me: Goodnight angel.
9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me
Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.
Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]
I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?