DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
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Who’s drunk
*raises leg
*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?
Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.
saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.
School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”
I am embarrassed for myself.
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.
Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.
I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..
I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.
How long do you have to wait between naps?
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time