Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
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Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
Priest: tell me your confessions
Me: I said the f word twice this week
Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
stop abbreviating phrases where every word has one syllable (OMG, ILY). start abbreviating long sentences. that’s how u save time. ILYFYB (i’m leaving you for your brother) or SWAYTAIUMELFY (stacy what are you talking about i uprooted my entire life for you). much easier
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”