The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
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Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]
Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night
Me: no, that’s mine
Neighbor: it’s definitely mine
Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods
Neighbor: I’m taking it back
Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.
Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:
M-What do I have to do?
F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.
Mission accomplished.
90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more
Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
me: I think I’m losing my marbles
proctologist: I’m finding them
Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday
Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal
Dad: (just bawling)
Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”