How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
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Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”
Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*
Boss: WTH?!
Me: It’s Natl Bully Month
Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!
Me: well this is awkward
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
relationship goals
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy
*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*
Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.
Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.
Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.
Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.
I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
Sarcasm…
Because mocking you directly would be rude.
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!