Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
You Might Also Like
I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
The Punning Dead.
Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
me: want to read more harry potter?
7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore
me: dumbledore
7: right, dumpledore
me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?
ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.
DON: And the boy?
ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.
ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.