It’s like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW:
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Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!
If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.
“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now
*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”
Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate
Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
excuse me
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”
I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party
I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
Wife: this is how monsters are made
Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.