Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please
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So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?
Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird
My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
lol
The funk soul brother
Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.
*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭