Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
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judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
[BAR]
Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?
Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since
Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone
ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakableMe: HAHA!
Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way
Me:
My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet
patient: well what does it actually say
doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh
IT’S-A ME,
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
THE TERROR YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PASSWORD DOESN’T WORK SO YOU TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OMG HAVE I BEEN FIRED DID THEY FIND OUT THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME ON TWITTER AND TIKTOK AND oh never mind I had the caps lock on
me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat