I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?
You Might Also Like
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.
Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones
Me: how’d you get out of the casket
I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.
It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight
KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?
DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.