Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
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Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.
Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.
Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.
One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.
And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.
Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”
Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”
What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.