[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
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Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.
Autocannibalism is self-serving.
Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.
Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway
Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:
“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”
What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
Nobody:
Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year