Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.
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Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
surgeon: scalpel.
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
[everyone screams]
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke
[halftime]
Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them
Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?
Me: Um no, just holding hands
If you are going to microwave your steak in a cast iron skillet, make sure you season the skillet by running it through the dishwasher at least 3 times
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.
I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”
…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.
Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity
My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”
Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind
ME: Duh
[later at party]
ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”
Me: “It’s amazing.”
Her: “OK, I’ll join.”
Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.