Thanks to the rising food prices I’m now on an 80/20 eating plan.
My food intake is 80% ramen and 20% stolen from my neighbor’s DoorDash order.
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I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!
harry potter: i’m depressed
dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it
harry: yeah
dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.
Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
[shows her my bedroom]
And this is where the magic happens…
[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.