God: you’re a dog.
Dog: what does that mean?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: what did you say?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: one more time my ears aren’t the best.
God: you have perfect hearing.
Dog:
God:
Dog:
God: you’re a good boy.
Dog: [tail wag] : )
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[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.
Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.
I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.
STORY TIME
my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.
one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked
“are you tan from the sun!?”
and i said
“no i’m nate from earth”
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.
You’ll be OK
Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
[sinking in quicksand]
me: oh no
wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help
me: ok
[mambo no. 5 starts to play]
me: OH NO
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.
I’m taking myself to the movies this afternoon. I’ll probably hold my own hand and flirt with myself too.
“No please, let me buy the m&m’s. You’re so thin.”
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.