Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
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How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.
“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”
Sing it!
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
oh you’re bisexual? name every man and woman
me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time
Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend
My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.
I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241
Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
DARTH VADER: I am your father
LUKE: Buy me some jeans then
DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this
As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.