Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
You Might Also Like
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.
“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”
where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.
That’s probably where I’m selling it at.
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!
son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.
rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”
Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
I’m your girl in the apocalypse till there’s something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 😭😭😭😭
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?
A. It was a boo meringue
Not reading the replies to this
Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
public bathrooms: wash your hands
also public bathrooms: here’s a microgram of soap, 2 seconds of water, and an inch of paper towel– good luck to ya!
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?