All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
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My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
“I know you’re not really an armadillo”
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps:
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
Can’t. About to go please some beans
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.
Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts
Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.
[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
Did you know?
Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though
[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.