There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
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I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide
Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.
I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*
Rt to bother an English speaker
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.
to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂
to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.
[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room