You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.
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me: how was school?
son: i got in trouble today
me: what for?
son: kung fu fighting
me: wow I’m so disappointed
son: but everybody was doing it
My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.
alladin: do u trust me
jasmine: i’ve only known you for 2 hours
a: so u don’t wanna jump off this rooftop
j: lemme ask my tiger first
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees
“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”
This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.
driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.
[first day as life guard]
guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!
me: *moving my arms* like this but in water
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes
Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer
Overheard, my kids-
7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda
My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
Detective : Where were you on the night in question?
Me: Wut?
Detective: Don’t play dumb with us.
Her: Oh, he’s not playing.
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.