If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
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Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.
Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”
This is so me 😂😂
6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space
I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.
[at a store]
Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?
*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*
Clerk: Well, they’re polarized
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
A: idgaf
LATER:
Used to work in an office where the boss gave a hard brain teaser to the staff in the morning & if anyone could figure it out by the afternoon he’d pay for their lunch. I won most days. Because as the IT guy I had access to his company cloud account where he stored the answers.
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
Me: dance like no one’s watching!
Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!
awkward
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?
DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
I don’t think I could pass a polygraph, even the simple questions because I overthink. They would ask is Amanda is my name and I’d be conflicted because I know my birthname before I was adopted or they would ask if I had ever did acid & I haven’t but I use hyaluronic in skincare.
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk