[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
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2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
[kitchen]
SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans
People: *freaking out*
2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.
People: lol ok
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does
If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
Date: Do you practice safe sex?
Me: I use the pull out method
Date: That doesn’t work!
Me *pulls out accordion*
Date: I don’t want to have sex with you
Me: It always works
My wife gives the best headache.
[robbing a bank]
accomplice: nice pantyhose
me: thanks
accomplice: on your face next time tho ok
Mice are just frozen Mwater.
Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.