I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
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why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.
Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer
ME: Eels
The kidnapper rang and said “£10,000 and you get your wife back”
“Negotiate with him!” advised the policeman
“£20,000 and she’s all yours”
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.
This meal prepping shit is easy
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
eclipses are always a great opportunity to convince your young child that you have god-like supernatural powers and should never be crossed. oh you want me to bring the sun back? go pick up your toys
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?
“…just don’t tell your mother.”