A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
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No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..
[Me as a zoo tour guide]
Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois
8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-
Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon
8: They’re pand-
Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.
8: Zeb-
Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR
[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
*at dinner table*
Me: ‘Remember that time I lied to you about liking your potato salad?’
Her:
Me: ‘Anyway, I’m sorry.’
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo
We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.
[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
business tip.
INSTEAD OF SAYING
“i work from home”: weak, lazy, does not sound productiveSAY
“i practically live at the office”: a real go-getter, dedicated to the grind, a worker bee
Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?