the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
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If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
Husband: Um, what are you doing?
Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor
Husband:…
Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH
The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best
[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister
How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”
Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.