Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
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TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight
Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.
“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS
#SCOTUS one-star review
*1st day as a human*
Alien: I did one of those poop things
Alien 2: And?
A: The corn we ate was there
A2: So?
A: Intact. Unbroken. Even though I chewed it up
A2: *unzipping human disguise* Call Mother Ship. We’re outta here
I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars
Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?
-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson
Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor
I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.
Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.
At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise
I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.