60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂
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the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
let’s hear it for plates that are bowls
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do
kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.
IT: You deleted the OS?
Me: I think so.
IT: It didn’t warn you?
Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack
good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me
I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁
I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party