My husband surprised me by taking the day off. I guess today is the day he finds out we’ve actually had a cleaning company for the last 5 years.
You Might Also Like
For those that worship cheese..
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
I picked up a couple nice slabs of fresh salmon from the local fish market. Lovingly rubbed it with dijon mustard, coarse salt and black pepper. Smoked it low till it reached a beautiful 140°.
Kids: “WE WANT FISH STICKS!”
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
Man: Who are you?
God: Your god.
Man: What’s your name?
God: I can’t tell you.
Man: No way!
God: Jahweh!
Man:
God: Doh!
This is me 🤣🤣
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
[seductively takes off mom jeans]
Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—
Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]
Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it