4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
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Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.
Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
eating my hot dog hamburger style
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again
Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????
me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”
I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?
TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.
[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]
COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!
COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice