I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
You Might Also Like
me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag
Cheer up.
God: i’m sorry the answers no.
Jellyfish: please?
God: it’s just too ridiculous.
Jellyfish: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but-
Jellyfish: pretty please? : (
God: I can’t just make a PeanutButterfish
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”
We have no idea if you’re lying.
If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
Gods work.
Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
When a conversation gets awkward, distract the person by casually kicking a rock. Unless that rock is a poop. And you wore stilettos. And the poop sticks to the end like a skewered turd. And you’ve made it awkward. Now you have something to talk about.
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me
[Rome]
CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CITIZEN: May I
CENTURION: yes
CITIZEN:
CENTURION:
CITIZEN:
CENTURION: when is it tho
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
[arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?
Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.
Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth
me: a lot of people are saying that