I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
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Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
My evil clone:[pointing to me] Shoot HIM, he’s the clone
Friend:[aims at the clone] The REAL Alex would never pass up an opportunity to die
Shhh!
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.
Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!
God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.
Angel: Never mind, go ahead.
🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.
Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.
[typing]
Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
My daughter waking me up at 6:30am to straighten her hair for her, and then her climbing back into bed and going back to sleep, is my villain origin story.
In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
My Guy
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
estão todos miauvindo?
Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone
My phone: Yeah, you crack me up
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.